Know any coaches who’d be interested? (Or maybe an ex-military officer?)

Help Wanted

Basketball coach for once-great program. Requirements:

1) Must win championships. NCAA preferred (Final Fours acceptable as stepping stones only); but ACC titles sufficient if always followed by Sweet 16 appearances or better. Must be undeterred by fact that two national powers always finish ahead of hiring entity and are coached by basketball legends.

2) Must be proven recruiter of best basketball talent on planet. Past success at national level a plus.

3) If unproven recruiter and/or no such past success, must win championships within reasonable time period or leave in disgrace. Benefits include dental and severance.

3) Must see that best basketball talent, once present, attends classes or leaves hiring entity before embarrassing self & others. No amphibious players, in other words.

4) Salary commensurate with experience, but don’t get excessive on us, we ain’t no elite U.

5) Position is not only open until filled, but the fact that we’re hiring a national executive recruiting firm indicates just how open it is. Apply to etc. etc.