The all-points bulletin arrived on the morning of January 7.
The night before, someone or something (Sasquatch, perhaps? No, a centaur) had cut through the locks of Aux, the commissary kitchen belonging to award-winning chef, service-industry sergeant and ambitious restaurateur Ashley Christensen. They’d stolen her prized cooker. A gift from Southern pitmaster Nick Pihakis following Christensen’s James Beard Award victory in 2014, the cooker often accompanied the chef to charity events. The loss stripped her of a singular piece of kitchen equipment. It denied the larger community a key fundraising tool.
The signal was amplified nearly as soon as it arrived, with news of the theft dominating area social media feeds for days. Christensen’s compatriots even offered rewards for its return: Raleigh Denim jeans and Bida Manda soup, Slingshot coffee and Dashi cash. The informant, had one ever come forward, would have suddenly looked, and eaten, like a local oligarch. Alas, no one fessed up. Nearly a month later, Christensen says no serious leads as to the cooker’s whereabouts have emerged.
But there’s hope; in fact, we’ve compiled the 12 most likely (and mostly satirical) scenarios as to where Christensen’s cooker went. Get to sleuthing.
Did you know the Travelocity Gnome was born in Durham? I do, because we are pals. I had the gnome cut me out of lockup, and we are SEEING THE WORLD. The Eiffel Tower is crazy!
[page]
I was captured by an Eastern North Carolina hog farmer, who has turned me into the evil overlord of his swine. I watch them carefully, keeping them in line with the threat of death.
[page]
Three dudesBobby, Billy and Bart (basically, King of the Hill extras)stole me after months of careful planning. They really love barbecue, and they cook with me six nights a week. They also love meth and Skynyrd. Life happens, man.
[page]
As best I can tell, I’ve been stolen by a henchman for another Raleigh restaurant chainEmpirical Edibles or something?and they’re using me to cook pigs, too. I’m so close to Poole’s I can smell the macaroni and cheese. Help, A.C.!
[page]
Pat McCrory asked Ashley Christensen to host a fundraiser for me, not knowing about her progressive politics. He didn’t like it when she told him to “suck an egg,” so his security detail captured me as revenge. I’m actually the smartest person living in the Executive Mansion, and I’m a cooker made of metal.
[page]
The Raleigh Trolley Pub people stole me in the hope of turning me into a one-person Trolley Pub. Every day, they stare at me, thinking about how very little they thought through this idea.
[page]
After reading Ashley Christensen’s recent interview with Mr. Justin “Bon Iver” Vernon and realizing they were friends, some “Skinny Love” superfan stole me. The ransom? His hand in marriage. Creepy.
[page]
A bearded man in a leather jacket on a Harley-Davidson stole me and attached me to his motorcycle. He said he wanted a “hog cooker” for his “big ol’ Hog.” I think that’s pretty cute, but I do worry about his gas mileage. That wind in my hair sure feels nice, though.
[page]
Some militant vegans stole me as an act of animal liberation vengeance and turned me into a tiny home. I now smell like patchouli and bitterness, not delicious pork drippings.
[page]
From the moment I first laid eyes on Scott Crawford at Standard Foods, I knew he had to have meand I him. (Have you seen those tattoos? Those eyes? His little pork butt?) I asked Scott to steal me by the glow of the moon and run away with me forever, and he promises we will elope soon. I hope his family doesn’t read this.
[page]
Not naming names, but the owner of a certain vegetarian restaurant (OK, it was Fiction Kitchen) stole me and drove me to the Full Circle Farm Sanctuary in Asheville. Now I spend my days frolicking with little piglets (they look delicious, though), lazy cows (I sometimes call them steak by accident) and old goats (too mature for tender carne da cabra, alas). It’s pretty chill.
[page]
I am a piece of recycled scrap metal, sandwiched between a rusted-out Impala and a fucking Civic. I did not deserve any of this.
This article appeared in print with the headline “Let my cooker go”
