As the Duke Blue Devils unleash their latest batch of uber-recruits on a nervous and transfixed nation—starting with the utter obliteration of the number-two-ranked Kentucky Wildcats Tuesday night—we’re here to provide background for those not fully up to speed on Coach K’s most recent cache of five-star freshmen. We begin the getting-to-know-you process with fun facts and a scouting report regarding the lauded six feet seven, 285-pound power forward Zion Williamson.

A born demigod, Williamson has played (and defeated) Death himself in one-on-one and twice traveled to the Underworld, where he repeatedly dunked on a hapless Orpheus.

It is said that John Calipari sent serpents to kill Williamson in his cradle, but Williamson strangled them both, and then dunked on them.

Williamson is believed to maneuver through the cosmos on a carriage drawn by his vanquished enemies. His magical garment is rendered from cut-down nets and the fear of those tasked with impeding his progress on a pick and roll.

It is foretold that Roy Williams shall become enraged with humanity’s ceaseless stupidity and also terrible officiating and ride down the Eno River in a warship and checkered jacket, intent on laying waste to Durham, Raleigh, and parts of Cary. Zion will be the chosen champion of the people and deal him endless defeats, thus earning the fawning praise of Jay Bilas.

Williamson has shown himself to be a thoughtful, forgiving, and judicious god and would still not give another coaching job to Rick Pitino.

A traveler came to Zion Williamson and said: “I anoint you King of Cameron. Though you are kind and just, you shall rule over your enemies as a tyrant and cause them to blaspheme repeatedly, especially Jim Boeheim. And in doing so, you shall be spared from being drafted by the Wizards.”

Just as everything in the universe is maintained in a state of constant balance without terminus, so shall the 2018 Blue Devil’s Effective Field-Goal Percentage and Pythagorean Record remain in harmony and JJ Reddick’s defense shall be happily forgotten.

When the soul leaves the body, it is said to appear in the Hall of Truth to stand judgment and attempt to guard the rim against interlopers, and also to gape in awe at game tape of Williamson going off for 33-13-10 against Wake Forest. Only then will judgment be rendered.

“His Example is now complete, and it will teach wisdom and virtue to magistrates, citizens, and men. And if he develops a jump shot we may go undefeated.” —John Adams, 1799

Human existence is only a brief segment of an eternal enterprise overseen by a small group of supernatural, ruling forces. Bow to Zion Williamson. He’s coming.

YouTube video

One reply on “Zion Williamson: A Scouting Report”

  1. Wtf did i just read? Did i fall asleep in history class with headphones in? That john adams quote got me tho no lie

Comments are closed.