I am a 2-year-old, 11-lb. tuxedo cat who likes to chew everything. My “owner” says I have an oral fixation, but what does he know? He’s not my therapist. Here are some of the things I like to chew on around the house: His ankles. I only do this when he’s getting my food. I’m just trying to encourage him to hurry up.

The living room furniture. He says it’s his great-grandparents’ from the 1890s, but remind me again why I should care?

Sponges. But for some reason they haven’t been by the sink since the time I left one in his bed.

Paper. We’ve come to a compromise on this one: I stopped chewing his dissertation research and he gives me an unlimited supply of newspapers. Sitting on my hind legs like a squirrel, I can turn a full sheet into a pile of confetti faster than a shredder.

Computer cords. He tries to tell me I’ll get electrocuted, but they’re just network cables. (I may be a cat, but I’m not dumb.) Those curly phone cords are fun, too.

Pasta. Dry penne pasta is fun to play with while I’m waiting for the rest of it to cook. I like tomato sauce and basil, too. My owner thinks I am an Italian cat.

The ficus tree. He moved this into his office, so I have to wait until he’s not looking to climb it and chew on the leaves.

The plants. These are not as good as the tree, but the spider plants and African violets are my favorites. He bought me some of that pet grass once, but it was nasty. I like lettuce, though.

My sister. She is 10 months old, small and weak and scared of everything. (When someone rings the doorbell, I run toward the door and she runs away.) I love biting her neck, because I can almost get the whole thing in my mouth.

The window blinds. Why can’t he just leave them open? I need to see those bunnies that are always hanging around in my yard. One of these days I’m going to go out there and chew on them.