Still wondering which candidate will swing the election? Vote with your blue suede platform shoes for the only man in America who brings together the fine art of Elvis impersonation and Brown Power politics, like the righteous spawn of the Virgin of Guadalupe and the King himself. Here’s our e-mail press conference with the candidate with the best hair: ¡El Vez! What office are you running for exactly? I thought the poster and the catchy slogan made it obvious! EL VEZ for PREZ! Perhaps it was the abbreviation Š EL VEZ for PRESIDENT of these UNITED STATES of AMERICA. That makes it clearer but it doesn’t roll off your tongue as well.

Who will be your running mate? Well, the first person who asked was Eddie Vedder. (I live in Seattle now.) He thought it would save money on stationery since we have the same initials.

What about your First Lady? The Lovely Elvettes of course!

Who will be in your Cabinet? My rocking band THE MEMPHIS MARIACHIS.

What is your party affiliation? Well, we certainly are not Republicans. We share some ideas with the Democrats. We aren’t the Green Party Š it’s more like Š the Brown Party Š well more like a Fiesta actually!

Does your party have a platform? It’s not really a platform. It’s more like a wedgie.

What issues are you running on? Foreign policies, social security, IMMIGRATION (of course), bringing back the H.U.D. projects. I’m especially anti-Patriot Act. It’s all so Orwellian to me. 2004 has gone backwards to 1984, just like the Bowie song. Did you know Elvis and Bowie share the same birthday?

Does your campaign have a theme song? No, but ³Let’s Get It On² sounds sassy I suppose.

What song do you plan to sing at your inauguration? ³My Way² would be funny, but ³Walk a Mile in My Shoes² comes to mind. ³This Land is My Land, This Land is Your Land² has a nice ring to it.

Who will be eligible to vote in this election? Eighteen and over, American citizen has been the norm. Can you imagine if the world was allowed to vote? If the world was given a voiceŠ! Not that it seems the U.S. is listening.

Why should we vote for El Vez for Prez? The man has style, the man has grace, the man can save the human race.

Vote with your feet for the Brown Party this Friday, Oct. 29 at the Cat’s Cradle.

— Sylvia Pfeiffenberger