The preposterous gerrymandering of North Carolina by Republicans following the 2010 elections means Republicans win in most parts in the state but lose horribly in others. In addition to the snake-like Twelfth Congressional District, the districts where Republicans stand no chance of winning are the First and Fourth Districts, home to Durham, Chapel Hill, and Raleigh.

The GOP sacrificial lambs running in those districts this year are Sue Googe (Fourth District) and H. Powell Dew, Jr. (First District). Since nobody has ever heard of these people before, here are their respective platforms. Now, let’s take a few moments to reflect on their campaign signs.

The name “Googe” is spelled like “Google,” except without the “l.” In an apparent attempt to conflate herself with one of the most profitable companies in the world, Googe signed off on this design for her campaign:

As The Verge and the News & Observer have pointed out, the font and even the tilt of the “e” are lifted from Google’s design. Oh, well. Here’s a candid shot of Googe, in case you were wondering if she is comfortable handling the high-powered assault rifles she’ll carry as a member of Congress:

H. Powell Dew, Jr., though, is taking the “Widespread Panic lot shirt” concept to extreme ends. Literally: Dew is swaddling himself inside the logo of the most extreme soft drink on the market: Mountain Dew, a brand with which he shares part of his name. Here is Dew:

Looks like a pretty cool dude. But how to be sure? Well, here’s his sign, ya dingus:

Very groovy.

Unfortunately, due (dew?) to these candidates’ disturbing worldviews, we cannot, in good faith, cast our votes for them. But we do hope to see Governor McCrory debut McDonald’s-inspired campaign signs soon.