Good morning, guys and gals. The great American nightmare that has seen the rise of the worst presidential candidate in history is almost over. And in the interest of time—because instead of reading this, we would rather you were voting—we’re going to keep this short and sweet. Let’s dive in.
1) Trump showed up in Raleigh yesterday, lied within thirty seconds of taking stage.
According to the Donald, there were thousands of people still waiting to pack into Dorton Arena when his speech began. THOUSANDS! Well, we checked. There were less than 100—and a handful of them were the men and women slinging swag that looked like this shit:
2) Sadly, Clinton can’t score Mike Huckabee for her NC rally, so she settles for former President Bill Clinton and, you know, LADY GAGA.
Hillary didn’t arrive on NC State’s campus until after midnight, but she brought the fury with her … Sure, there is more news out there. But nothing, and we mean nothing, is more important than using the rest of your day to a) vote b) cross your fingers and c) just in case, finish building that “end of days” bunker.
And do us a favor … save some room in there for us.