Had The Herald-Sun turned into The Onion or had Durham turned into Portlandia?
I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who wondered this a couple of weeks ago, when the paper reported that national chain Urban Axes (my god, just the name, you can almost smell the beard wax) is headed for Foster Street this summer. The concept? Grab a beer or eight and then hurl actual freaking axes at … with! I mean with! … dozens of other tipsy tech bros. It’s like darts but with deadlier implements that nobody has a clue how to throw. What could go wrong?
We have a lot more questions, such as “What!,” “WHY,” and “Can’t. Even.” Most important, is there a single worse idea in all creation? Let’s see.
Beer garden with beekeeping
The hoppiest IPAs and the sting-iest bees await in a gracious apiary. Entry is free, but mask and smoker rental costs $100. (Worth it, especially on “Wasp Tuesdays.”) #BYOBakingSoda.
Tapas with chainsaw juggling
When your inner lumberjack tires of Urban Axes, sample small plates and juggle big saws in an elegant dining room with an open kitchen and discreet troughs for blood runoff.
Wine bar with swine flu
“I’m getting pear, clove, fresh grass, butter, tobacco, and … smack smack … yes, just a note of swine flu,” is the sort of comment you’ll overhear at this oenophile’s paradise and probable place of death.
Oxygen bar with flamethrowers
Aromatherapy and pure mayhem for the price of one. Show up early, because it’s going up in a ball of fire almost immediately.
Waterpark with goats
You can do yoga with goats, so you might as well take one bombing down the Trip-Trap Rapids or whatever. That’s what the world is like now, nothing makes sense, you can just do anything.
Weed café with sitar rentals
Now wait a damn minute. Is this actually the best idea ever?
Bottle shop with shovels
Drink those miniature Miller High Lifes out of an Igloo cooler stuck in a dirt floor while enjoying hours of backbreaking digging. (This one will be engulfed in scandal when it turns out to be a scam to get free labor for a construction project.)